<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>There Have Been Better Days by destielwithashotgun</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24501985">There Have Been Better Days</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/destielwithashotgun/pseuds/destielwithashotgun'>destielwithashotgun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Outer Banks (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Child Abuse, I torture JJ so much, Other, Panic Attacks, Whump, literally just more angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:00:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,780</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24501985</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/destielwithashotgun/pseuds/destielwithashotgun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>John B and Sarah are back, disgustingly in love and cleared of all murder charges. They don't have the gold. JJ doesn't even care about that. And then he realizes that he's the 5th wheel in their group. Some of them make mistakes. </p><p>It's been a while since John B has seen one of JJ's panic attacks.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>JJ &amp; John B. Routledge, JJ/Kiara/Pope (onesided), Kiara/Pope (Outer Banks), Sarah Cameron/John B. Routledge</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>256</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>There Have Been Better Days</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I don't have an explanation for how right now, but in this story everything with the murder and the fake dying has turned out fine. John B and Sarah are back, Kiara and Pope are together, and JJ still has a shitty dad.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When John B comes back with Sarah Cameron and without the gold, JJ decides that being rich is overrated anyway. He's just happy to have his brother back, even if his brother now comes with a kook who may have earned the term pogue. She brings them beer sometimes, when she can, and in his book that makes her a friend. </p><p>So it's not like he dislikes Sarah. In fact, sometimes he thinks that she's a good addition to their little group. She makes John B smile, the sap, and even though JJ is worried that she'll break his heart, it isn't too hard to accept her into their life. </p><p>Their bonfires now have one extra chair. They learn to make room for her on the HMS Pogue. It's not a problem. It really isn't. It's also not a problem that Pope and Kie have finally figured their shit out and started dating. </p><p>JJ's happy for them. He really, really is. They deserve to find true love, if it exists, and they deserve each other. JJ pushes his own feelings for them aside. </p><p>The truth is, he's loved both of them for a long time, probably longer than he thought. He remembers the exact moment he realized he was in love, when Kie finally got Pope to stop studying and dance with her. He remembers the way Pope had moved, stiffly, glancing back at his books, and the way Kie moved around him like she was a born dancer. JJ had thought to himself, "Fuck," and then proceeded to ignore the hell out of the feelings in the hope that they would go away. </p><p>They didn't. </p><p>But it didn't matter. Kie and Pope were obviously a good pair, laughing at jokes only smart people would understand, apparently, and looking all sappy into each others eyes and shit. They were happy. That's all JJ's ever wanted. </p><p>For his friends to be happy. </p><p>John B and Sarah had only been back for about a week before JJ noticed that he had pretty much become the 5th wheel of their little group. Pope and Kiara were working towards love, and Sarah and John B had been gone for nearly a month before they could come back. They only had eyes for each other. </p><p>JJ tells himself they're not excluding him on purpose. And they aren't. They aren't. They're in love, all of them, and JJ's the unlucky one who get's to be alone. He's not bitter about it. He really, truly isn't. He's scared to be in a relationship anyway. </p><p>It's just one (or two) more who can hurt you. </p><p>Right After the Phantom went down, JJ got beat within an inch of his life. His dad was furious he had taken the boat. In that moment, as he was laying on the floor of his own kitchen, JJ really thought he was going to die. He almost welcomed the feeling. </p><p>What was there to stay for, really? Except then he remembered Kie and Pope, and how much he loved them even if they didn't love him the same way. He got up, and he ran. He nearly didn't make it. </p><p>The Chateau had held medical supplies for JJ for years, since John B figured out the real reason JJ came to school with bruises. John B had given JJ stitches multiple times. He'd gotten good at that. But he wasn't there anymore, so JJ fought through the black spots in his vision and forced himself to stitch some of the worst cuts together. He passed out immediately after. </p><p>It's a miracle he didn't get an infection. </p><p>When he woke up, he wondered if he was supposed to go to sleep with the concussion he knew he had. He hadn't exactly gone to sleep though. He remembered John B was gone. Those were the bad days. </p><p>JJ didn't go back to his house for two weeks, stealing clothes from John B and sleeping in the Chateau. When he does go back, he works hard to stay out of sight from his dad. He couldn't stomach staying in John B's guest room any longer. </p><p>A few days later Pope and Kie find him, sitting on the beach. Their hands are clasped. JJ looks at their hands, and then their eyes. "I'm happy for you," he tells them, and it's not a lie. </p><p>He isn't mad at anyone. He really doesn't feel upset. It's not a slow realization that he's the one left behind. It's when he's sitting there at the fire while Pope and Kie have one conversation together on his left side, and Sarah and John B are whispering together on his right. He thinks "Well, Fuck" and then pretty much goes numb to it. </p><p>Sometimes, Pope and Kiara go off and do whatever they do when they're just Pope and Kiara, and not the pogues. It's dates, sort of, except they mostly just get together and do whatever they would do if they were with the rest of the group, except on their own. </p><p>John B and Sarah are much more obvious with, well, everything. Sarah sits on his lap at their bonfires. They make out when they're all surfing at the beach. They leave Pogue stuff to do stuff on their own, and sometimes Pope and Kie will follow their lead and leave together, and JJ will sit there alone and pretend he doesn't miss his friends. </p><p>One day, when Pope and Kie are off having one of their Pope and Kie things, JJ's dad meets him halfway up the yard. JJ's been lucky in managing to avoid his dad, who was either always out or always high off his ass. He's surprised his luck has lasted this long. It had to run out sometime. One punch to JJ's jaw and he just fucking runs because he's done taking this bullshit but he's scared to fight back. </p><p>He ends up at the Chateau. It's always been his safe place, the one place he could go when he was scared and couldn't show it. It's where he's been healed and fixed and patched up and whatever, and he hasn't had to knock since 6th grade. Especially not after a fight with his dad. </p><p>He shoves the door open. </p><p>John B and Sarah are making out, Sarah sitting on the kitchen counter, and her top is off. She shrieks when JJ opens the door. </p><p>"Dude!" John B shouts and JJ shuts the door again quickly, avoiding his eyes as Sarah tries to cover up. He stands there for a second, unsure what to do now, and it's enough time to hear Sarah say, "does he always just walk in?" </p><p>There's nothing mean behind it, no hidden meaning or anything, but JJ cringes a little bit and takes that as his cue to leave before he does something else stupid. </p><p>He does something else stupid anyway. He goes back home. </p><p>His dad has not gotten any less angry, and JJ doesn't even know what it is this time. He tries to sneak in through his own window. His dad has kicked down his bedroom door. He see's JJ through the gap in seconds. </p><p>When JJ is shoved up against the wall, his dads forearm against his throat, he almost blacks it out. It doesn't hurt as much. Nothing compares to the hurt he felt when he thought John B was dead. He wishes, desperately, that things could go back the way they were before. Before he convinced John B to go after that fucking gold, before they accused him of murder, before he ran off and nearly got himself killed with a girl he started dating just a few days before. </p><p>JJ likes Sarah. But if nothing had happened, she wouldn't be there, and John B wouldn't be in love, and JJ wouldn't have to knock at the place he's called his real home for the past years. </p><p>Luke throws JJ to the floor and all the wind gets knocked out of him. As he lies there and struggles to pull in a breath, he forgets to curl up and protect himself. Maybe he wants to feel the pain. Who knows. But it get's so much worse. </p><p>By the time Luke is down, JJ is practically black and blue all over, and he wants to cry. Everything hurts. Every fucking thing, and he can barely move but he has to go, he has to leave, he has to run the hell away and never come back because he hasn't felt this hurt since That Night, not since After. </p><p>For some reason he realizes that he hasn't had any physical affection since Pope's parents hugged him in the tent. It's a weird thought, since he used to be such a tactile person. Maybe he still his. Maybe his friends are just too busy loving each other more. </p><p>JJ forces himself to his feet, staggers a bit, and nearly falls over when the world tips on its axis and turns blurry. He leans against the wall, the same one he was slammed against before, and waits for the dizziness to go away. It doesn't leave completely, but is dissipates enough that he can move without falling over. When he's succeeded in that, he runs. </p><p>His favorite spot on the beach is practically hidden, close enough to the boneyard that there are still dead trees there that JJ likes to lean against. The waves on this particular part of the beach kind of suck, but he usually doesn't go there for the surfing anyway. </p><p>He feels sick, like maybe he'll throw up but maybe not, and maybe it'll feel better if he does. The world is too fucking bright, the birds too loud, and everything feels like it's swaying a little bit. JJ know's this is not a good sign. He waits for it to go away a little bit. He has no idea how long it takes. </p><p>John B finds him, because of course he does. He sits next to him and for a minute neither of them say anything. JJ waits for him to comment on the split lip, the bruises on his face, the blood that he must have from that one nasty cut on his neck. John B doesn't mention any of it. </p><p>Instead, he starts with this. "We should probably have some new rules at the Chateau," he says, and JJ's stomach twists violently because John B has always referred to it as home. </p><p>"What kind of rules?" JJ asks thickly, his tongue feeling too big for his mouth. </p><p>"Just like, when you can come over and stuff," John B replies, and his tone is casual. "Sarah was pretty embarrassed when you walked in earlier." </p><p>"I need permission to come over now?" JJ snaps, and he has no idea when he passed over into anger instead of exhaustion, but suddenly its there. He expects John B to back down. </p><p>He doesn't expect, "It's MY place JJ!" </p><p>He doesn't even know how to react to that. The Chateau had been 'their place' for years. John B knew JJ thought of it as his home, right?? JJ feels panic well up inside him, and he tries to cut it off. Does John B not want JJ to go there anymore? </p><p>Has he realized that JJ should be more like Kie and Pope, come when he's invited and not overstay his welcome? No longer show up whenever he felt like it? Stay the night on occasion, not for weeks at a time?</p><p>With a painful throb of his head, JJ goes back over into anger. The least John B could have done was NOTICE how much he was hurting. This most recent beating seemed somehow worse than the others, even the one After. </p><p>"You're a shitty friend," he tells John B, ignoring the slur in his words. </p><p>John B ignores it too. </p><p>"Don't call me a shitty friend just because you're jealous!" </p><p>"Jealous?! You think I'm jealous!?" Maybe he is. Maybe the hurt he's been feeling is really just jealousy he doesn't want to acknowledge. He pushes the thought aside because right now it hurts to think. </p><p>"You don't understand shit!" John B tells him, and somehow they're both standing, though JJ admittedly sways on his feet. </p><p>John B puts his hands on JJ's chest and shoves him back into the tree behind him. </p><p>Usually, a shove would be nothing. Usually, JJ would push back. But Now is not Usually, because Usually JJ's head isn't pounding, Usually his hands aren't still shaking from the fear he felt at his fathers hands, and Usually his last beating didn't start with being shoved into the wall. </p><p>JJ's panic attacks, while rare, were not like the panic attacks you see on TV. He did not hyperventilate or anything. Instead, he went silent, practically stopped breathing, and began digging his nails into the back of his hand. John B had been the only one to ever see them. He knew what to do. </p><p>Usually. </p><p>This time it takes him longer to realize that JJ is panicking. </p><p>JJ slides down the tree, nails on his skin already drawing blood, leaving crescent shaped marks on the back of his left hand. His eyes are practically blank because they're seeing a different reality, remembering shit he's already been through. His breathing almost stops entirely. </p><p>John B doesn't realize until JJ is on the ground. </p><p>"Shit. JJ. JJ please look at me, please. Shit, fuck, I'm sorry JJ, I'm really sorry." </p><p>JJ isn't hearing him, makes absolutely no indication that John B's words are even reaching him. It's a bad one. John B hasn't seen one of JJ's panic attacks in a while, but this is one of the worst. </p><p>Usually, JJ can't be touched in a panic attack. It makes things worse, and it's one of the worst things ever to see or hear JJ cry out when somebody touches him, certain they're going to hurt him. This time, JJ isn't listening, and his breathing is getting worse. </p><p>John B grabs his arms, ignoring the horrible sound of JJ crying out through his teeth, and pulls the other boy against his chest. </p><p>"Breathe. With. Me, JJ. You feel that? Match my breaths," he mumbles directly in JJ's ear, and JJ flinches, but he hears it. As he matches his breathing to John B's, he starts to come back a little bit. </p><p>"JJ," John B says. "Tell me 5 things you can see." For a moment he thinks JJ isn't back enough to understand. </p><p>Then, through clenched teeth, "Sand. Water. Sun. Tree's. Me. You." </p><p>John B sighs in relief. "Good. That's good. 4 you can touch."</p><p>"Sand. Uh...the tree. Rocks. You." </p><p>"3 things you can hear," John B says, and he's so fucking thankful he remembers how to do this. </p><p>"The water. Those fucking birds." John B laughs a little. "You."</p><p>"2 you can smell," John B says, and JJ's breathing is finally getting back to normal. </p><p>"The ocean. You." </p><p>"And 1 thing you can taste." </p><p>"Shitty beer," JJ mumbles, and sags against John B's chest. </p><p>For a long time, or maybe just a couple of minutes, they're silent. "I'm sorry," John B says finally. </p><p>"I"m sorry," JJ says, at almost the same time. They stare at each other. </p><p>"You're not a shitty friend," JJ continues, and this time John B hears the slur in his words, and chalks it up to the panic attack he just had. </p><p>"Maybe I have been. I know you're not jealous. I shouldn't have told you that you needed permission to come home."</p><p>JJ pauses. "I understand though, why you want me to." </p><p>"No!" John B refuses adamantly. "I don't want you to feel like you can't come home whenever you want to. Me and Sarah can keep our door closed."</p><p>"You don't have to do that," JJ says. </p><p>"JJ. Please shut up and let me apologize to you. This is what I want." </p><p>JJ chuckles. It sounds strained. John B shifts out from where he was half holding JJ against him, and for a long time they just sit there. JJ want's to ask if John B has anywhere he actually needs to be, but the increasing dizziness in his head and the violent twisting in his gut silences him. </p><p>It's almost peaceful until JJ vomits blood.</p><p>................................................................</p><p>When he wakes up in the hospital, they're all there. John B and Pope and Kiara and Sarah and even Heyward, which doesn't make a lot of sense but JJ will figure that out later. He know's that whatever happens, his friends will be there with him.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>